I Can’t Tell You I Love You (But I Do)

By Alexandria Brown

Image result for lonely girl on a swing

I look at you as more than what you are to me currently. Because to me you are everything. Everything I’ve ever wanted but mostly because you treat me as though I matter. As if my opinions and everything I want is important to you too. And that’s what love is.

But I can’t tell you I love you.

I can’t tell you that every night before I go to sleep I think about you. I think about you when it’s dead at work and I’m just wishing I’m anywhere else. I think about you when I can’t get through the day without wanting to cry. You are home to me and just hearing your voice reminds me how that feels.

And when people ask me if I’m in love with you I tell them no. Because I don’t want to be the cause of losing you. Even though we mean so much to each other, it doesn’t mean that we need to be together. That’s when the lines of loving someone and being in love with someone are blurred. And my lines with you are so blurry. I can’t even tell you what’s going on in my mind and my heart because I don’t know.

Sometimes we’re meant to meet someone who takes our breath away but not get to be with that person. And it’s unfair. It’s so unfair that we are surrounded by their beauty but we can’t touch them. We can’t tell them how much they mean to us without giving away our secret. We can’t let them know that they’re the last thing we see at night and the first name we breathe as we wake up.

We can learn so much from each other but only if we keep it to the capacity that it’s at. And I’m not fully sure risking everything to tell you my feelings would be the smartest because I don’t feel as though we’re on the same page. And that’s OK. It’s OK to not be exactly at the same moments in life. It’s OK to not feel the same kind of attraction. But let me tell you something, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done to keep my mouth shut about this.

Because I can feel myself breaking. I feel my tongue waiting to betray me. To tell you that I am so completely into you. So completely enamoured by everything you are. And it has nothing to do with outward beauty and everything to do with the gorgeous soul that lies deep within you. And what’s crazy is you don’t see how stunning, how captivating, how incredibly amazing every piece of you is.

So our future looks like this. We keep things the way it is. Because even though I want to love you, I am nowhere near ready too. And while I’m taking my time to get ready to love you, you might meet someone else. You might meet them and love them more than you could ever love me. And they’ll love you just as much. Because you are that person. The person people fall for immediately.

But don’t ever feel sorry for me. Never feel like I’ve lost out because I’ve never gotten to love you in that way. Because the love that I’ve gotten from this is so much better. You have shown me that people like you exist and that makes me fair better off than most.

And if we ever did cross paths as lovers instead of friends, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

You are the ultimate. You would be my ultimate. So maybe we’ll end up together or maybe we won’t but all I know is this; as long as you exist in my world, I’ll be happy. No matter what capacity.

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Movie Review: Moana

When I first saw the trailer of Moana, it got me pretty excited. I thought it was refreshing and visually appealing.

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Synopsis:

As the only heiress of the chief, Moana is obligated to take after her father and lead their people into the same island living as what has been accepted traditionally. But fate has something else planned for Moana – that is to save her people from an inevitable catastrophe by searching for a legendary demi-god and bring back a lost treasure to its rightful owner.

Like:

Plot – it’s a little bit of a cliché but it is linear with just the right amount of conflicts and twist.

Soundtrack – it’s not the usual musical Disney film though it has a few song numbers which the film made fun from. I like the OST mainly because it was sang by Alessia Cara whom I like… :p But more than that, it got pretty, nice songs and having Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson sing… adorable. 🙂

Animation – from what I know, the hardest to animate are sand, hair/feathers and water. All these are present in this film and it’s visually stunning.

 

Dislikes:

Characters – just your usual Disney cast – headstrong yet lovely “princess”, strict father, understanding mother, animal sidekick… you get the idea, just think of The Little Mermaid or other Disney films (just substitute some characters). Well, this formula works.

 

Over All Impression:

I don’t think it can be considered a Disney classic like Cinderella or Snow White or Sleeping Beauty but it has it’s own appeal. I heard a lot of giggles from the younger audience, but growing up with Disney movies, I was hoping that maybe their films should also grow up”. But who am I to say? I am not their target audience… hahaha!

 

Six tiaras out of ten.

Movie Review: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

I am a HUUUGE Potterhead. I have been a fan ever since the first movie. I was 11 years old when it first came out so I can say that I practically grew up with harry Potter. One of the reasons I came to Manila was a promise to myself that I will watch the last Harry Potter movie in the Mall of Asia and it came true. After it’s last installment, the Potterverse didn’t stop for me. Pottermore has been my outlet for my constant dose of magic.

It has been my wish to see Dumbledore and Gridelwald’s famouse duel in film and I didn’t lose hope. When it was announced that a spin off Harry Potter film based on J.K. Rowling’s Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander is going to be adapted into a motion picture – I, along with millions of Potterhead, got ecstatic. The magic lives on!

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Likes:

Screenplay – Okay, I am a little biased here because I love J.K. Rowling but I have to give her credit for coming up with a well-written plot. The movie happened decades before Harry Potter but it was well-sketched. While watching, I thought why would J.K. go into much details regarding the wizarding world in North America when it won’t be shown in the film and then I realized that it’s J.K. Rowling – whatever she writes will make sense later on. And I’m pretty hyped up for that.

Actors – I can’t imagine anyone playing Newt Scamander other than Eddie Redmayne. His portrayal is on point, from the speech pattern to the facial expressions to the whole physicality. For me, he was the Newt Scamander I imagined to be. Alison Sudol as the quirky yet lovely Quennie Goldstein is another stand out for me along with Ezra Miller as the disturbed yet pathetic Credence.

Visual Effects – it’s just so magical. The beasts were indeed fantastically depicted as if they are real creatures (again, I am a little biased here.. :p).

Execution – David Yates is one of my favorite directors. He’s very visionary. I like Chris Columbus’ direction but I prefer David Yates over him.

 

Dislikes:

Casting of Grindelwald – Like some (or most) of the Potterheads, I am partial to Johnny Depp playing Gillert Grindelwald but I trust J.K. Rowling’s approval. My reason is that Depp can sometimes be too much for a character. Too Tim Burtn-ish… lol. But I hope that he’ll tone it down here with just the right amount of craziness and contempt.

Musical Score – As I write this, I can’t recall hearing a familiar Harry Potter theme. I know that this is a totally different story but a magical theme (just like in the harry Potter films’ opening theme) can bring us into the magical world again.

 

Over All impression:

I love it! I just love it! It got me excited as to who will play a young Dumbledore. What is Newt Scamander’s real story. Who is Leda Lestrange? Will we see Credence and Kowalski again? I can’t wait. Another two years of waiting… *sigh*

Fantastic Beasts exceeded my expectations. It’s a whole another magical story in the same wizarding world. I love it!

 

Nine tiaras and a half out of ten. :p

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Movie Reactions

It’s been a while since my last movie review and I don’t want to go over each movie I saw since then except for the below. :p

Miss Saigon: 25TH Anniversary Gala Performance

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I have been a fan of plays since elementary days (being a member of the school theater from elementary until college). I remember we did Miss Saigon on my 2nd year in college and it was really cool. Sun and Moon and Solo Saxophone are my favorite songs from this play.

The movie version (not adaptation) of Miss Saigon met all my expectations. The new casts were all great especially Jonjon Briones – he stole the show. I cried on some parts (parts where Hugh Maynard sang actually :p). Eva Noblezada as the new Kim may not be as great as The Lea Salonga but she gave justice to the role. And of course, Rachelle An Go, she had a pretty important role in the first act only but she sure knows how to utilize it effectively.

 

The Accountant

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The trailer of this movie was what made me excited to see this film plus Anna Kendrick and also the plot – a mentally challenge individual who grew up to become an assassin in the guise of a lowly accountant. Sounds exciting, right? Nah! Ben Affleck has always been a boring actor, in my opinion, but he’s nice to look at. :p I slept on some parts and it’s the first time I slept in a movie house. 😦

 

Trolls

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Easily, one of my favorite movies this year. Not really a big fan of the toy but I like Anna Kendrick (same reason I watched The Accountant) and their OST is one of my fave songs ever – True Colors.

It was really entertaining. The plot is really simple enough for kids (and kids-at-heart) to enjoy. It was funny, colorful, cute, musical and a real feel good movie. I love it!

 

Doctor Strange

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This movie may not be as good as Guardians of the Galaxy or The Avengers but it’s a good vehicle to introduce Doctor Strange in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Action scenes, visual effects, humor and Easter bunnies were all present just like any other MCU films but what I liked most is the tailor fit of the actors to the characters. I can’t imagine any other actor playing Doctor Strange but Benedict Cumberbatch, same thing with Tilda Swinton as the Ancient One.

 

I will be watching the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them today and being a huge Potterhead, this is th emovie that I’ve been waiting the whole year!!! Argh!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On Loop: Someday by Nina

 

Someday

(Click on the title to play the song)

Someday you’re gonna realize
One day you’ll see this through my eyes
By then I won’t even be there
I’ll be happy somewhere even if I cared

I know you don’t really see my worth
You think you’re the last guy on earth
Well I’ve got news for you
I know that I’m not that strong
But it won’t take long, won’t take long

Cause, someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You’ll see I won’t even miss you
Someday, someday

Right now I know you can’t tell
I’m down and I’m not doing well
But one day these tears, they will all run dry
I won’t have to cry sweet goodbye

Cause, someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
Oh, one day I’ll forget about you
You’ll see I won’t even miss you
Someday, I know someone’s gonna be there

Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You’ll see I won’t even miss you
Someday, someday

This has been my go to song and my favorite song to listen to whenever I feel sad about not being appreciated by someone I like. 🙂

A song I listen to when I decided to let go and move on.

A song that somehow helps me to be strong.

Someday.

Unrequited love(?)

It has been sometime since my last (movie review) post. Truth is, I made movie reviews draft in my notepad but I wasn’t able to save it and my computer logged off so I got pissed and decided not to redo everything – it was for Inferno and Deep Water Horizon. Earlier, I watched Doctor Strange and to be honest I don’t feel like writing any movie review post for now.

I’ve been occupied by year end reports and the stress I have this time of year is so much. But apart from that, I am emotionally confused. Yep, it concerns my personal life. I needed something to share these feelings…er, confusion(?) to. I don’t keep a journal, so I decided to blog about it. For one, I am anonymous here and two, it’s pretty much safe and third, there’s this expectation that someday I will forget about my access here and won’t relive this feeling I am feeling right now… someday.

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He’s my colleague. When we were first introduced, I have to admit that I was attracted. the attraction was barely there but at the back of my mind I was hoping that we could get acquainted and get to know each other.

Since I am new to the team, I was kind of hoping that he will be assigned to be my mentor. Lo and behold, he became my mentor. So, basically if I needed help or assistance to transition to my new job – I go to him. If I have questions –  I go to him. Anything work related – I go to him. We were also seated beside each other. And I was excited.

It was the day of my on boarding and I felt excited. I don’t know what to do. I was nervous and I didn’t know if it was just me or if there really was tension and awkwardness between us. He barely talked to me and I to him. Suits me well. I didn’t know what to say anyway. I can’t remember who talked first but all I know is that it was a very short question and answer. Won’t count as a conversation.

WALLS

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The attraction I have for him gets stronger as the days went by. Attraction I can’t keep to myself anymore. Attraction that I need him to know about but something I can still take back and deny. Why? Fear of rejection.

I am a very guarded person. The walls around me are so high and sturdy. These walls were built because of a heartbreak I had when I was still in high school, something that I promised to myself that I will and should never feel again… ever.

I am almost 29 years old but I never had a serious boyfriend. I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I’ve dated a few guys. I’ve been pursued and courted. I’ve had had late night conversations and lovely dinners. I’ve received roses, stuffed toys, letters and gifts. But as soon as I feel that it gets serious, I back off. I always think that it’ll not last and I will just end up hurting. I don’t and I never let myself fall in love.

THE SIGNS

So I thought that if he will have an idea that I like him, then he will make the first move and initiate. I asked our co-worker to tease me to him – nothing loud and ridiculous, just subtle teasing just for him to get the idea of me having a crush on him.

But I don’t think that it’s working. I only get mixed up signals that I don’t know how to interpret. I don’t want to assume things that may not be there but I also don’t want to miss on opportunities that may be there.

These are the signs that I think are telling me that there’s something and then the things he does that contradicts them:

Signs:

  • I caught him several times looking at me and during those times, he would suddenly look somewhere else or even hide.
  • He would ask me to stay longer at work (he’s on a later shift).
  • He would remind me of work related stuff that are too trivial.
  • He asked me one time if I’ve seen this movie and when I told him I didn’t yet, he just said that he wants to see it (but he never asked me).
  • He would sometimes welcome the teasing and would even blush.
  • He got really angry when a co-worker sent an email to everyone using his email account (he forgot to lock his PC) saying that he loves me and asking me out for a date.
  • He would keep our private conversation going no matter how mundane the topic is.
  • We wouldn’t talk to each other at the start of our shift until he gives in.
  • He would ask me to do things for him and I would do the same thing to him.
  • He would always tease me.
  • He’s very attentive when I ask him something – he would stop what he’s doing and would even face me.
  • When I would ask him to do something with me – just the two of us, he would willingly do so even though he knows that it’ll elicit a lot of teasing from our co-workers.
  • He would subtly touch my hand “accidentally”.
  • He remembers the little details that I said in passing (e.g. the food I crave, the movies I want to see, the songs I listen to)
  • He would sing songs that may have a double meaning.
  • He would say jokes that could mean something (e.g. how he’s afraid of falling in love and not having someone to catch him, etc)
  • He’s very interested to the private conversation I had with our other co-workers pertaining to him.
  • He became apologetic when something he and our other co-workers did kind of pissed me off.
  • How he responds indirectly to the cryptic messages that I post in social media.
  • He would ask favors from me and then would persistently ask me on what he can do to return the favor (I thought that he would intentionally asked favors just so he can do things for me in guise of “returning” the favor).
  • He would deliberately (?) sit next to me or walk with me or stand beside me just because.
  • When I give him little knick knacks (e.g. candies, cupcakes), he appreciates it.
  • One time, he intentionally gave me three pieces of bread and consciously said, “That’s THREE bread…”. Three is kind of a symbol for THAT three word phrase. He knows what it means because I gave him three butterscotch before and he made a big deal about it, even teasing me that I’m trying to say something.

Contradictions:

  • I asked him if he wants to see a movie with me and told me that he can’t but I found out that he did anyway.
  • He’s telling everyone that he’s not seeing any one but I can sometimes sense that he’s dating someone. Intuition.
  • He never “like” any of my Facebook posts but he “like” all of the other statuses our co-worker posts. Even the similar ones.
  • Sometimes, I feel like he don’t care at all. There was this slapping incident (meant as a joke) but I was hurt, he just laughed like the others. He did ask me if I was okay but only after I told him that it was not funny and I got hurt.
  • One time he bought donuts for the team, he never gave me one.
  • Sometimes, he’s the first to make fun of me.

I know some of these are petty things but these are the little things that confused me.

Signs of Falling in Love

CHASING PAVEMENTS

Am I just chasing pavements here? Sometimes I think that he may just be too shy about asking me out or showing his feelings for me but most of the time I feel like there’s really nothing there. I am just misinterpreting things. One of our co-workers even told me not to expect from him because he has a reputation of misleading people with his actions. He has a history.

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ON THE VERGE…

I actually thought of just giving up. Again, I am building another set of bricks on my walls and no matter how hard it might be, I had to.

I need to.

But I don’t want to.

Movie Review: Don’t Breathe

This is one of my most anticipated horror movies of the year. I saw this trailer during my lunch break and it got me really scared that I screamed. Rainy days are lazy days for me but I still chose to watch this as soon as I found out that it’s already showing.

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Synopsis:

A group of cat burglars decided to steal from a blind ex-war veteran who got a huge amount of money in his decrepit house. Unknown to them, the blind, old man is more dangerous and deadly than all three of them combined.

 

Likes:

Plot – it’s refreshing to see this kind of horror/thriller film without your usual ghosts, demons, zombies or other worldly entities. The story is very linear and simple and can happen in real life which made it scarier, not to mention the antagonist which is a person.

Characters – I actually found myself rooting for the blind man more than the main characters until the climax of the film. That’s what I love about this movie, you will understand where the characters come from and will root for either the protagonist or the antagonist.

Execution – it’s nice to know that Sam Raimi didn’t use gore (see Evil Dead) to elicit scares in this film. It’s very simple yet very effective in keeping the audience at the edge of their seat.

Stephen Lang – as the blind man, he delivered just the right amount of emotions for you to feel his pain and be scared of him at the same time.
Dislikes:

Subplot (or the twist) – for me, I find it a little bit out of place. I thought that it’s not really needed on the film because the main plot itself is scary enough but I guess, the writer/s needed that twist for us to root for (and then hate) the blind man.

Over All impression:

I was NOT disappointed at all! I knew that this is a good film not just because it had a good trailer. It’s a new kind of horror for me. Something that can happen in real life and with that thought, you will also think, as you watch, on what you’ll probably do when you’re the character. One thing I like about this film also is that there’s no booboo scenes. For me, the characters made all the right choices based on common sense. You know, when you’re watching a horror film and you’re telling the character not to go down the basement kind of thing? Yep, I didn’t see it here.

 

7 tiaras out of ten.

 

Movie Review: Train to Busan

I saw a Facebook post of my friend who watched this and I thought that it might be one of those “Oscar-ish” kind of film so I was not really interested at first. And since it’s a Labor Day (long) weekend, I decided to check what’s showing in the theaters online and found out that this movie dominates the nearest mall (with 5 cinema houses) and I thought that it must be worth a try, so I found myself in the movie theater without any idea as to what it really is about. Based from the movie poster, I thought that it might be a story about a tragedy on a train or something like that.

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Synopsis:

A father granted her daughter’s birthday wish to see her mother (his ex-wife) and made an early trip to Busan (a province or city in South Korea). Little did they know that on their trip, an infected passenger was able to come aboard without the conductor’s knowledge and this lead to an event that tested the survival instincts of all the passengers.
Likes:

Plot – it was an effin’ zombie movie! But more than that, it showcased two of Korean film making’s strongest strengths – horror and drama. You will think that it might be a rip off of The Walking Dead but for me it’s more of a World War Z/The Walking Dead/Snakes on a Plane kind of movie.

Acting – the actor who played the father was very familiar to me, I watched some of his Korean TV series aired locally before and he was good, but apart from him, the child actress was amazing. But what really awed me are the zombies – they’re not your usual brain dead zombies but more of a predator/hunter/contortionist/athlete zombies who are really rabid and really scary.

Characters – cliché but very effective. You will root for them, you will hate some, you will relate to some. Their mixture is kind of like in an animé series but they compliment each other really well.

Humor – aside from being a horror movie (with drama), there are bits of humor injected in the film that made some scenes light despite of the characters fighting for zombies.

Character Background – not as well-sketched as I want in a movie but you will get the gist of every characters’ story. Though it’s not really needed for a film like this to dwell on each character but you will know what motivates them and will understand their actions and decisions.

Dislikes:

Plot – I know that it’s one of my Likes up there but I dislike it a little bit because the film didn’t really show how the outbreak originated, I assumed that it’s because of a biochemical gas leak, but it was not really explained why. I am a person who needs to know the reason to everything. LoL.

Over All Impression:

I loved the film. Now I know why it was such a hit even without a proper ad or anything like that but just through word of mouth and social media posts. I loved some of the characters and even felt sad when some of them didn’t make it in the end, which was expected for a film like this. Korean films are one of those that I respect so much when it comes to horror and drama (Miracle in Cell No. 7). If you’re a sucker for horror movies especially the zombie genre, this is a much watch. If you like tear-jerkers, this is also a must watch. If you love both, you NEED to see this.

8 tiaras out of ten.

Movie Review: Suicide Squad

First, I just want to lay it out there that I’m not really a huge DC fan… I’m more of a Marvel kind of nerd but when I read months ago that DC is making a Suicide Squad movie, I felt ecstatic not because I’m a fan but because it will star Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn. Urgh! I love her!

Prior to watching Suicide Squad, it already trended twitter with having low ratings from critics so I tried to watch it as objectively as possible.

Synopsis:

A group of dangerous criminals were gathered together by a top ranking official as their go-to “suicide squad” should there be a Superman-level security threat. One of their supposed-to-be members which incidentally is the most powerful in its own out of this world sense decided to go on “its” own and enslave the world. Now it’s up to this mismatch squad to save the world while moving on with their own personal issues.

 

Likes:

Margot Robbie – this film is Margot Robbie’s movie. I’m saying this not because I love her but because her character portrayal stood out from the rest. She is the humor of the film and literally the craziest character and the loveliest at the same time.

Camera Works – David Ayer sure know how to take beautiful shots. I’m a little bit partial to the movie’s cinematography but the shots were great.

Plot – I’m not a big fan of the “questionable” plot with no real motivation from most of its characters but I took it as it is. It’s plain and simple. No complications and not hard to understand.

Viola Davis – you will hate her but you will love her at the same time that you might find yourself rooting for her over the “bad guys” and then you’ll hate her again. That’s how good she is.

 

Dislikes:

Execution – this could’ve been executed better. Yes, David Ayer took beautiful shots but his direction is not cohesive. Flashback scenes are needed but they tend to be anti-climactic. There are also scenes that for me are a little bit unfocused to what should be really going on. There are also several scenes that I find a little bit cartoon-ish.

Central Character – I believe that Deadshot should really be the lead but Will Smith’s portrayal is a little bit out there. His characterization is kind of corny. I can say easily that Harley Quinn stole every scene she’s in.

Cara Delevingne – I love her as a top model but she’s still too “young” to be a full-pledge actress. Blank eyes and unbelievable emotions made me cringe a bit. But she’s getting there, I hope.

Jared Leto – yes, he’s not Heath Ledger but I can’t help comparing them together. Both are Oscar winners but unfortunately, Jared can’t pull off Joker (yet). I believe that he’s a method actor but it didn’t work in this movie. I can still see Jared Leto acting unlike Heath who lost into the character itself. For me, that’s the difference – one is acting as Joker while the other IS Joker.

 

Over All Impression:

Well, I have to say that apart from the poor execution and direction of the movie and contrary to some (or most) of the critics Suicide Squad is good. Good thing they did re-shoots to bring in more humor in the film after BvS was heavily criticized for being boringly serious and laughable in a bad way. DC made the right move to “copy” Marvel movies though they might have overdone the humor in some parts.

Suicide Squad is a psychedelic mixture of quirky (though some are forgettable) characters that surprisingly worked well for the total cinematic experience. It’s a good introduction to a franchise with great potential. I would surely love to see a Suicide Squad vs Justice League movie in the future.

 

Six tiaras out of ten.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Movie Review: Lights Out

When I saw the trailer of this movie, I thought that it plagiarized the 3 minute horror film I saw in Youtube. I didn’t research much on the film before watching it so as not to spoil my pleasure in watching a horror movie but also for me not to be influenced by the reviews.

 

Synopsis:

After being hunted by a violent entity, a young boy went to his sister not just for safety but to ask help to save their mother who has a mental illness and is being fed off by the same entity that claimed the life of the boy’s father and will stop at nothing to eliminate all of those who come between it and its “friend”.

 

Likes:

Scares – it definitely did not bank on jump scares and loud musical scores but on the suspense and the feeling of dread of what’s about to happen.

Plot – it’s simple, linear and no complicated twists but the storytelling was made not to divert the audience’s attention from what’s going on the screen.

Direction – David F. Sandberg is another horror movie director to watch out for. His 3 minute horror movie which is the inspiration for this film got me scared real good and this full length made me shout in the movie house several times.

 

Dislikes:

Loopholes – I don’t want to spoil anything so I’ll just leave the description for this blank except for this thought: If you were the ghost, what would you do?

 

Over All Impression:

Another hit for me being a huge horror movie fan. It was, for me, inventive and something I haven’t seen yet. No gore, no jump scares, no loud noises – the scares are all in its storytelling. This is one of the movies that actually made me feel scared even after leaving the cinema house. I kept on thinking about it. It made me scared of the dark. And yep, I slept with the lights on that night. Swear. Probably better than Conjuring 2.

 

Eight tiaras out of ten.