Unrequited love(?)

It has been sometime since my last (movie review) post. Truth is, I made movie reviews draft in my notepad but I wasn’t able to save it and my computer logged off so I got pissed and decided not to redo everything – it was for Inferno and Deep Water Horizon. Earlier, I watched Doctor Strange and to be honest I don’t feel like writing any movie review post for now.

I’ve been occupied by year end reports and the stress I have this time of year is so much. But apart from that, I am emotionally confused. Yep, it concerns my personal life. I needed something to share these feelings…er, confusion(?) to. I don’t keep a journal, so I decided to blog about it. For one, I am anonymous here and two, it’s pretty much safe and third, there’s this expectation that someday I will forget about my access here and won’t relive this feeling I am feeling right now… someday.

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He’s my colleague. When we were first introduced, I have to admit that I was attracted. the attraction was barely there but at the back of my mind I was hoping that we could get acquainted and get to know each other.

Since I am new to the team, I was kind of hoping that he will be assigned to be my mentor. Lo and behold, he became my mentor. So, basically if I needed help or assistance to transition to my new job – I go to him. If I have questions –  I go to him. Anything work related – I go to him. We were also seated beside each other. And I was excited.

It was the day of my on boarding and I felt excited. I don’t know what to do. I was nervous and I didn’t know if it was just me or if there really was tension and awkwardness between us. He barely talked to me and I to him. Suits me well. I didn’t know what to say anyway. I can’t remember who talked first but all I know is that it was a very short question and answer. Won’t count as a conversation.

WALLS

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The attraction I have for him gets stronger as the days went by. Attraction I can’t keep to myself anymore. Attraction that I need him to know about but something I can still take back and deny. Why? Fear of rejection.

I am a very guarded person. The walls around me are so high and sturdy. These walls were built because of a heartbreak I had when I was still in high school, something that I promised to myself that I will and should never feel again… ever.

I am almost 29 years old but I never had a serious boyfriend. I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I’ve dated a few guys. I’ve been pursued and courted. I’ve had had late night conversations and lovely dinners. I’ve received roses, stuffed toys, letters and gifts. But as soon as I feel that it gets serious, I back off. I always think that it’ll not last and I will just end up hurting. I don’t and I never let myself fall in love.

THE SIGNS

So I thought that if he will have an idea that I like him, then he will make the first move and initiate. I asked our co-worker to tease me to him – nothing loud and ridiculous, just subtle teasing just for him to get the idea of me having a crush on him.

But I don’t think that it’s working. I only get mixed up signals that I don’t know how to interpret. I don’t want to assume things that may not be there but I also don’t want to miss on opportunities that may be there.

These are the signs that I think are telling me that there’s something and then the things he does that contradicts them:

Signs:

  • I caught him several times looking at me and during those times, he would suddenly look somewhere else or even hide.
  • He would ask me to stay longer at work (he’s on a later shift).
  • He would remind me of work related stuff that are too trivial.
  • He asked me one time if I’ve seen this movie and when I told him I didn’t yet, he just said that he wants to see it (but he never asked me).
  • He would sometimes welcome the teasing and would even blush.
  • He got really angry when a co-worker sent an email to everyone using his email account (he forgot to lock his PC) saying that he loves me and asking me out for a date.
  • He would keep our private conversation going no matter how mundane the topic is.
  • We wouldn’t talk to each other at the start of our shift until he gives in.
  • He would ask me to do things for him and I would do the same thing to him.
  • He would always tease me.
  • He’s very attentive when I ask him something – he would stop what he’s doing and would even face me.
  • When I would ask him to do something with me – just the two of us, he would willingly do so even though he knows that it’ll elicit a lot of teasing from our co-workers.
  • He would subtly touch my hand “accidentally”.
  • He remembers the little details that I said in passing (e.g. the food I crave, the movies I want to see, the songs I listen to)
  • He would sing songs that may have a double meaning.
  • He would say jokes that could mean something (e.g. how he’s afraid of falling in love and not having someone to catch him, etc)
  • He’s very interested to the private conversation I had with our other co-workers pertaining to him.
  • He became apologetic when something he and our other co-workers did kind of pissed me off.
  • How he responds indirectly to the cryptic messages that I post in social media.
  • He would ask favors from me and then would persistently ask me on what he can do to return the favor (I thought that he would intentionally asked favors just so he can do things for me in guise of “returning” the favor).
  • He would deliberately (?) sit next to me or walk with me or stand beside me just because.
  • When I give him little knick knacks (e.g. candies, cupcakes), he appreciates it.
  • One time, he intentionally gave me three pieces of bread and consciously said, “That’s THREE bread…”. Three is kind of a symbol for THAT three word phrase. He knows what it means because I gave him three butterscotch before and he made a big deal about it, even teasing me that I’m trying to say something.

Contradictions:

  • I asked him if he wants to see a movie with me and told me that he can’t but I found out that he did anyway.
  • He’s telling everyone that he’s not seeing any one but I can sometimes sense that he’s dating someone. Intuition.
  • He never “like” any of my Facebook posts but he “like” all of the other statuses our co-worker posts. Even the similar ones.
  • Sometimes, I feel like he don’t care at all. There was this slapping incident (meant as a joke) but I was hurt, he just laughed like the others. He did ask me if I was okay but only after I told him that it was not funny and I got hurt.
  • One time he bought donuts for the team, he never gave me one.
  • Sometimes, he’s the first to make fun of me.

I know some of these are petty things but these are the little things that confused me.

Signs of Falling in Love

CHASING PAVEMENTS

Am I just chasing pavements here? Sometimes I think that he may just be too shy about asking me out or showing his feelings for me but most of the time I feel like there’s really nothing there. I am just misinterpreting things. One of our co-workers even told me not to expect from him because he has a reputation of misleading people with his actions. He has a history.

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ON THE VERGE…

I actually thought of just giving up. Again, I am building another set of bricks on my walls and no matter how hard it might be, I had to.

I need to.

But I don’t want to.

My Fave Authors

I’ve always loved to read ever since. I remember that I would always read out loud the signage and what not along the streets – from vulcanizing shops to whatever is for sale to campaign materials to vandalized walls. I enjoy reading. I love books.

As any other bookworm, story books and comics appealed to me with it’s colorful illustrations; then I moved on to Reader’s Digest and other magazines I can grab on; then I remember trying to attempt to read a novel which to me was boring and too advanced for my age – the novel was Lawrence Sander’s The First Deadly Sin.

I never finished it and I thought that I would never finish a novel. I even wondered how come grown ups find the time to read an inch (or two) thick of book which is ALL WORDS and NO PICTURES?

Then during high school, I saw our college neighbor devouring a novel and she highly recommended that I should read that same book when she’s done. It was the very first novel I finished reading and I felt proud and accomplished and realized that I can finish a book without pictures! The book was Sidney Sheldon’s Nothing Lasts Forever.

It was the turning point for me. I fell in love with Sidney Sheldon’s storytelling and became obsessed with him. However, his books were very rare from where I came from. Our public library don’t have novels and I can only borrow from that college friend and even she told me that Sheldon’s books are always checked out. She then introduced me to Daniel Steel. Remembrance was the first novel I read which was authored by Steel. It was a good book but I didn’t like how she kills the protagonist and later on found out that she has a penchant for doing that to her main characters.

Fast forward to college, I was one of the students who always checks out the maximum allowable number of books and did that every month. At this time, I have read all of Sheldon’s books – my all time favorite is If Tomorrow Comes (read this many times already).

Then I indulged myself on some other authors that surprisingly were good and didn’t even know that these were classics or bestsellers.

Because of this adventurous streak to try other authors, I have loved them. Robert Fulghum and Mitch Albom were also great authors. I would always scour second hand book shops for their books and almost always find a book or two authored by them.

One time, out of impulse I grabbed a book which at first didn’t appeal to me when I read it and didn’t even finish it until I saw my mother crying while reading it. I tried to reread the said book and found myself crying too. I became an instant fan of LaVyrle Spencer and that book was Family Blessings.

Then one time while cleaning my boarding house’s closet, I found piles of books, half of them eaten by termites and the other half – decrepit and looked very old. My roommate grabbed Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park first and I end up with a worn out, dusty novel. Upon reading the first page of the book, I never get to finish my cleaning. It was Jackie Collins’ Rockstar. I fell in love with her then and there.

After that several authors made it to my most fave list – Dan Brown through his The Da Vinci Code novel and Mary Higgins Clark with her Sheldon’ish writing style and Iris Johansen to Amy Tan.

My book shelves now have books from these authors along with J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series and one of her Robert Galbraith novels.

Here are my thoughts on each of the authors mentioned above:

  • Sidney Sheldon – he will always be my fave author. His storytelling is superb and his books are “unputdownable”. He would take you to exotic places, let you taste culinary masterpieces and share with you different cultures. He’s good with twists and empowers strong women characters.
    • Fave books – almost all of his books but what stood out to me were If Tomorrow Comes, Master of the Game, Doomsday and Tell Me Your Dreams (which I finished reading overnight).
  • Danielle Steel – as mentioned above, she likes to shock you by killing her or one of the main characters but her storytelling is something that will keep you glued on her books page after page.
    • Fave books – Remembrance and Sisters.
  • Robert Fulghum – he may not be a novelist but his books were full of wisdom. stories you would reflect upon and would make you step back and think.
    • Fave books: All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten and Uh-Oh!.
  • Mitch Albom – he’s poignant and would make you shed a tear.
    • Fave books: Tuesdays with Morrie and For One More Day.
  • Dan Brown – I like how he researched his books based on facts(?) and injecting that on his fiction novels.
    • Fave books: Deception Point, The Da Vinci Code and Digital Fortress.
  • Amy Tan – her rich in Chinese culture novels coupled with true to life characters are on point!
    • Fave book: The Secret Hundred Senses (though her The Joy Luck Club is also good).
  • LaVyrle Spencer – the emotions on her books were real and well-written. Her characters were lovable and likable. The way she writes her novels would pierce me right through the heart. One thing why I love female authors more than male authors is that they describe human emotions really well.
    • Fave books: Morning Glory and That Camden Summer.
  • Iris Johansen – just like Spencer, the way she writes human emotions are real. I also like how strong her women characters are just like Sheldon’s. Though her novels are a bit formulaic.
    • Fave books: The Ugly Duckling and her Eve series (though I haven’t read all of it yet).
  • Mary Higgins Clark – I am currently obsessed with her. I bought, on impulse, ten of her books from a secondhand book shop and have been reading book after book after book. Some of her books were predictable but most of it would really surprise you. I thought at first that she has a formula in writing a suspense novel but after five or six books now, I realized that she doesn’t follow a formula. She’s indeed the queen of suspense.
    • Fave books: I can’t really say as of yet but I just finished her We’ll Meet Again and Before I say Goodbye.
  • Jackie Collins – again I love strong women characters and Collins’ Lucky Santangelo is just that. I also love how she tells stories about Hollywood glamor and what’s happening behind the scenes.
    • Fave books: Rockstar, Lucky Santangelo series and Hollywood Wives.

I am now trying out a new author Debbie Macomber and I thought that her and Spencer may be similar in writing style. I would also like to try John Grisham and Stephen King but their books are a little bit pricey for a secondhand book shop. LoL!

 

Princess’ Movie Review: The Boy (No Spoilers)

[Disclaimer: I thought of having a different way of reviewing movies I’ve seen because I am not a legit film critic or knowledgeable of the technical aspects of creating a movie. What I know is that I love watching films and that I know if a film is good or not. Anyway, this is going to be based on MY impression of the movie.]

Greta (Lauren Cohan), running away from a dark past, accepts a nanny job in a far-flung English mansion. The couple who hired her is going away for a holiday and trusted her to take care of their life-sized ceramic doll that they treat as their child who died from a fire 20 years ago. Greta thought it funny and peculiar but took the job nevertheless. Alone in the big mansion with the doll, scary and unexplainable occurrences happened that made her believed the doll is possessed by the couple’s dead kid. Her and Malcom (Rupert Evans), the cute delivery guy, accepted that fact and made peace with it until Greta’s abusive ex-boyfriend showed up on the mansion and after a heated argument, an unpredictable truth was revealed.

Likes:

  • The twist – I’m a huge horror movie buff and the twist on this movie is something that I didn’t expect to happen.
  • Actors – surprisingly both Lauren and Rupert deliver believable acting, not too over the top for my taste.
  • Plot – it’s something that I haven’t read nor seen before. I learned not to take horror movies superficially (Asian horror movies are so good at plot twists) so I kept on thinking of possible twist while watching the film and boy, I was surprised when it was finally revealed.

Dislikes:

  • Suspense – I expected to have a lot of scary moments, more unexplainable stuff and Greta to be tormented more by the “haunting” but it fell short on that.
  • Reactions – I didn’t like how Greta and Malcolm react when they learned that the doll was possessed.
  • Cliché – there are some moments that I find too cheesy and worn out.
  • Plot holes – I don’t know how to put this without spoiling the movie. :p

Over all impression:

  • It’s not a movie that I would recommend my friends to watch but it’s a movie that I thought was worth my time and my money. Would I watch it again in theaters? No. It’s not painfully bad but it’s not that good too.
  • Two out of five tiaras.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Princess’ Review: Macbeth

I was never a fan of Shakespearean plays. I remember when I was in high school, though it was not a required reading, I read A Midsummer’s Night Dream and I find it nightmarish for my limited vocabulary and comprehension of flowery metaphors. Urgh.

 

I was really looking forward to watch The Revenant but since it’s not showing yet and the Metro Manila Film Festival entries still occupy most of the cinemas, I opted to watch Macbeth as it stars Michael Fassbender (who will always be young and hot Magneto for me) and Marion Cotillard (whom I still feel uncomfortable pronouncing her last name).

I’m going to be breaking down my review because it is easier for me to write. These are all based on my understanding of the movie and what little knowledge I have of movie making.

Synopsis: Macbeth was prophesied by three witches accompanied by a creepy young witch to become the next King of Scotland. This set his course by first assassinating the king, scaring the sh*t out of the Prince (I guess) and eventually having his head adorned by the crown who looked like a bunch of soaps stitched together. He became a tyrant, having his allies and enemies alike assassinated in fear of being dethroned. He succeeded of course, while his manipulative wife stood in the background playing the perfect hostess. But of course, everything comes to an end and good always wins against the evil at the end.

Cinematography: I’m a very visual person and this is the first thing I noticed on the film. Wow! Adam Arkapaw, the cinematographer, really did a great job. The landscapes, contrasting colors that weirdly complemented each other, the mist, tableau with each scene (I’m not sure if that is still his job) but yes, it’s the best.

Execution: It’s nice that Jason Kurzel, the director, used the Shakespeare dialogues as close as it is to the play but I really love the subtitles! It helped me somehow comprehend half of what the characters are talking about.

Acting: I was really rooting for Leonardo to win an Oscar this year which is long overdue for him but Michael Fassbender is a very strong opponent. I can’t imagine how hard it is to internalize while remembering and pronouncing their dialogue. But apart from that, he’s really good in making me like him at the start of the film and then hating him in the middle and feel sorry for him at the end. Marion Cotillard on the other hand, who reminded me of Mila Kunis in some of her scenes, is perfect for the role but I thought that any other actresses like Nicole Kidman or Natalie Portman would be great for the role as well.

Over all impression: It’s worth the money and time I spent on the movie but I don’t see myself watching it again. I’ll give it four tiaras out of five. 🙂

 

Princess’ Media Noche

For the past 5 or 6 years, I’ve spent my New Year’s eve na nagtatrabaho. I remember pa nung 2013 new year’s eve, naabutan ako ng 2014 na naglalakad sa overpass ng Ortigas intersection papuntang work. Mangiyak-ngiyak ako. #BayaningPuyat

After nun I promised to myself na I would always celebrate New Year with my family. Kesehodang i-declare pa nila na critical working day yun or not.

Last New Year, I vaguely remember our handa. This new year’s eve though I thought of contributing to our handa. And I’m a little bit excited because I would shop the ingredients and would prepare these myself.

I’m not a good cook and I only know how to cook theoretically. One thing I can do and proud of is how to make a fruit salad or FROWT SALAD as what I call it. So, without much further ado, here is the list of what I would prepare (not the actual pictures na lulutuin ko – courtesy of Google lang ang mga pictures).

1. Dynamite – this could be a great hors d’oeuvre. It is appetizing and dangerously satisfying. I was thinking of having ground beef with cheese as fillings. It’s easy to do and hopefully hindi matalsik sa oil.

dynamite

 

2. Chicken in coconut milk with pineapple – chicken based dishes are my personal fave – from fried to adobo to menudo to tinola. I’ve particularly like my Aunt’s recipe and have been picky with other people’s version of this. I know I won’t be able to replicate my Aunt’s version of this so I’ll make my own version – Princess version no less.

pininyahang-manok

3. Grilled shrimp kebab – shrimp is my ultimate favorite seafood ever! I could eat a kilo (maybe more) of these succulent sea creatures. Habang bata pa at hindi pa bawal, kain lang ng kain. I’m one of those na lucky na walang allergy sa seafood (sorry to my brother). For the kebab, I’ll just have these ingredients – shrimp, pineapple, bell pepper, white onion and chorizo bilbao. Sana masarap yung combination.

 

4. Pork humba – this pork dish is one of my top three fave pork dishes (the other two are adobo and sisig). I’ve had this the first time nung nasa grade school pa ata ako. I thought pa nga na pagkain sya ng aso kasi it doesn’t look appetizing lalo na at nakita ko lang sya sa pot na pinaglutuan sa kanya. May mga residue sa gilid ng pot and may parang something na yucky (banana flower pala) but when Papa told me that it’s humba and it’s masarap daw so I tried it – BOOM! An explosion of flavor. It’s easy to cook pero dapat matagal para super lambot yung meat and mas maganda kapag sa uling daw sya lutuin instead of cooking it sa pressure cooker or sa stove.

 

6. Valenciana – I may need assistance from Mama in preparing this since specialty nya naman to and I don’t want to mess this up. This rice dish is what I often request every occasion – birthday, undas, christmas, new year. I think parang paella rin lang sya pero from where I’m from (Bacolod City) this is known as valenciana. Mas maraming atay, mas masarap and dapat maganda yung quality ng raisins. I’ve had valenciana na yung sa palengke lang yung raisins nabibili and it gave it a peculiar taste na hindi masarap.

 

7. Fruit Salad – this is my specialty! Haha! I love fresh fruits so naturally I know what goes well with each other (feeling expert) hahah!! I know that minsan grapes give a bitter taste kaya I avoid to include it sa FROWT SALAD ko. Basta these are the essential fruits – apple, pear, melon and pineapple. Second essential fruits – mango, cherry (para may color – I put nata pero dapat white kasi kapag red nata nagiging pink yung salad, ayoko nun), lychee and kiwi. Optional fruits, pede naman silang isangkap kaso di ko nagustuhan – orange (mahirap syang i-slice), watermelon (matabang sya and watery, naging masabaw yung salad), grapes (pumapait nga) and papaya (my tummy don’t agree with this fruit, hahah!) Syempre dapat may cheese, pede ding lagyan ng corn kernels or celery for texture.

 

Yan lang. LOL.

I intentionally didn’t include any pasta dishes kasi we had that na nung Christmas and parang nakakaumay naman tsaka hindi nakukuha ni Mama yung gusto kong pasta. Di naman ako marunong magluto nun. I tried researching for seafood pasta recipes then I remembered na may allergy dun brother ko, baka di nya lang ma-enjoy.

It’s simple lang and not bongga, anyway what’s important is we’re together. I’ve attended festive and over-the-top New Year’s Eve corporate parties and I didn’t enjoy them kasi hindi ko naman kasama family ko. It’s an affirmation that no matter how much you have kung ikaw lang naman mag-isa, wala rin.

Happy new year everyone!! 🙂

 

Anong meron?

Ilang beses na kong nag attempt gumawa ng blog para lang masabing creative ako. Ilang beses ko na ring inumpisahan actually pero hindi ako consistent… siguro dahil mabilis akong mawalan ng interes… ewan ko ba…

I love writing and kapag ginaganahan ako, I do write… ever since… poems… short stories… ala-Precious Hearts Romance na mga novels… songs… anecdotes… I even tried to submit a piece sa isang pakontes dati ng National Bookstore when I was in college and even tried to submit an entry sa “Laughter Is The Best Medicine” section ng Reader’s Digest pero nga-nga… may mga nagawa ako pero never kong napasa…

Andun lang sa portfolio ko… nakatambak, bilang handwritten talaga sila… ewan ko ba…

I have this journal nung highschool/college days ko, nakita ko ulit nito lang… nahalungkat ko… binasa ko… nakakaloka!!! ang daming grammatical errors! Di ko alam kong past tense ba o present tense yung pagkakasulat ko… pati ang napakasakit sa ulo na prepositions – hindi nagtutugma!! Nakakahiya!!

Meron din akong dalawa pang journals – yung isa parang diary na addressed sa future self ko. Keri lang kasi parang free flowing lang sya… parang ganito lang din… magulo… pero yung isa – hahahaha! Maraming sections! Merong section dedicated sa lahat ng mga taong nakilala ko at kung anong masasabi ko sa kanila…

ex: Kelly – you’re nice but I don’t like you.

meron ding section para sa mga best friends ko…

meron ding section na “My Neverending Hopes” na tungkol sa mga pangarap ko sa buhay… hahaha!!

meron ding section na “My Last Will and Testament”… kaloka!

at eto! eto yung pinakanakakadiri… section ng mga predictions ko ala Nostradamus. hahahaha!!! Meron akong entry dun tungkol sa pagdating ng huling paghuhukom… baliw ampotah!

ewan ko ba…

***

Simula pagkabata mahilig na talaga ako magsulat at magbasa… naalala ko pa lahat ng signboards at mga pangalan ng tindahan na nadadaanan ng sinasakyan kong tricycle binabasa ko…

Linda’s Sari-sari store… Ramon’s Vulcanizing Shop… Children’s Playground… Vote Wisely… mga ganun… binabasa ko talaga kahit na yung mga hindi ko kayang i-pronounce dati… Miscellaneous (name ng isang department store), Boutique (Botikee yung pagkakabasa ko), at R.L. Apartelle (apartelye)…

Sa kakapalan ng mukha ko, nakuha ko pang sumali sa parang writing contest nung elementary ako… parang feature writing contest sya… lahat ng schools sa city namin may mga participants at sinali ako ng English teacher ko nung Grade 5 bilang pabibo ako sa English subject talaga. Siguro nakitaan nya ko ng potential (araguy)…

Nung contest na… gosh! I can still remember vividly… may baon pa kong Reader’s Digest bilang props kunyari… nagbasa talaga ako pero di naman nagsi sink in sakin yung binabasa ko, pang intimidate sa mga ibang kasali dun na kunyari cultured ako… hahaha!! Grade 5 ako nun ahh… dami ko nang kaartehan…

Sinabihan kami nung isang teacher na dapat daw, first line pa lang ng article namin eh interesting na kasi daw yung mga judges, kapag first line pa lang eh na-bore na sila… di na nila babasahin yung the rest ng sinulat mo… nag-iisip na ko kung anong pinakainteresting na pedeng i-sulat.

Jusme! yung naging topic ko nun tungkol sa sun, moon, planets and stars bilang mahilig ako sa astronomy… hahahaha!!! natatandaan ko talaga na may sinulat akong ganito: “…do you know who the brother of the sun is? The moon…” hahahahah! parang tanga lang…

ending di pumasa! nanghinayang pa ko nun kasi yung mananalo dun is ipapadala daw sa Ilo-ilo para sa division round.. kapal ng mukha ko nung sinabi ko kay Mama after nung contest pagkalabas ko sa classroom na kelangan nilang mag-prepare ni Papa ng pang pocket money ko… hahahah!!! kaloka!

Akala ko talaga makakapasok ako kasi nga yung ibang kasamahan ko dun sakin pa nagtatanong kung anong english ng “kuwentas” at “gripo”… since nasagot ko naman sila, I thought mas superior ako… yun pala, hindi… overconfident lang… hahah!

ewan ko ba… basta… kanya-kanyang trip lang yan ika nga…

***

gosh! while writing this, I had a light bulb moment kung anong isusulat ko sa blog keme na to… yes!! sa isang blog spot ko kasi, parang mga kaartehan at kelangan ko pang mag-isip talaga ng kung anu-ano… ala-Bob Ong… pede naman pala akong mag kwento tungkol sa makulay kung buhay… since marami naman akong anecdotes tungkol sa childhood ko hanggang sa tumanda na ko…

makulay ang buhay ko…

comedy… marami akong kalokohan… hahah! di ako mauubusan… isang lifetime din yun… kaya yun.. basta… bahala na… oh sya!