It has been sometime since my last (movie review) post. Truth is, I made movie reviews draft in my notepad but I wasn’t able to save it and my computer logged off so I got pissed and decided not to redo everything – it was for Inferno and Deep Water Horizon. Earlier, I watched Doctor Strange and to be honest I don’t feel like writing any movie review post for now.

I’ve been occupied by year end reports and the stress I have this time of year is so much. But apart from that, I am emotionally confused. Yep, it concerns my personal life. I needed something to share these feelings…er, confusion(?) to. I don’t keep a journal, so I decided to blog about it. For one, I am anonymous here and two, it’s pretty much safe and third, there’s this expectation that someday I will forget about my access here and won’t relive this feeling I am feeling right now… someday.

He’s my colleague. When we were first introduced, I have to admit that I was attracted. the attraction was barely there but at the back of my mind I was hoping that we could get acquainted and get to know each other.

Since I am new to the team, I was kind of hoping that he will be assigned to be my mentor. Lo and behold, he became my mentor. So, basically if I needed help or assistance to transition to my new job – I go to him. If I have questions –  I go to him. Anything work related – I go to him. We were also seated beside each other. And I was excited.

It was the day of my on boarding and I felt excited. I don’t know what to do. I was nervous and I didn’t know if it was just me or if there really was tension and awkwardness between us. He barely talked to me and I to him. Suits me well. I didn’t know what to say anyway. I can’t remember who talked first but all I know is that it was a very short question and answer. Won’t count as a conversation.

WALLS

The attraction I have for him gets stronger as the days went by. Attraction I can’t keep to myself anymore. Attraction that I need him to know about but something I can still take back and deny. Why? Fear of rejection.

I am a very guarded person. The walls around me are so high and sturdy. These walls were built because of a heartbreak I had when I was still in high school, something that I promised to myself that I will and should never feel again… ever.

I am almost 29 years old but I never had a serious boyfriend. I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I’ve dated a few guys. I’ve been pursued and courted. I’ve had had late night conversations and lovely dinners. I’ve received roses, stuffed toys, letters and gifts. But as soon as I feel that it gets serious, I back off. I always think that it’ll not last and I will just end up hurting. I don’t and I never let myself fall in love.

THE SIGNS

So I thought that if he will have an idea that I like him, then he will make the first move and initiate. I asked our co-worker to tease me to him – nothing loud and ridiculous, just subtle teasing just for him to get the idea of me having a crush on him.

But I don’t think that it’s working. I only get mixed up signals that I don’t know how to interpret. I don’t want to assume things that may not be there but I also don’t want to miss on opportunities that may be there.

These are the signs that I think are telling me that there’s something and then the things he does that contradicts them:

Signs:

• I caught him several times looking at me and during those times, he would suddenly look somewhere else or even hide.
• He would ask me to stay longer at work (he’s on a later shift).
• He would remind me of work related stuff that are too trivial.
• He asked me one time if I’ve seen this movie and when I told him I didn’t yet, he just said that he wants to see it (but he never asked me).
• He would sometimes welcome the teasing and would even blush.
• He got really angry when a co-worker sent an email to everyone using his email account (he forgot to lock his PC) saying that he loves me and asking me out for a date.
• He would keep our private conversation going no matter how mundane the topic is.
• We wouldn’t talk to each other at the start of our shift until he gives in.
• He would ask me to do things for him and I would do the same thing to him.
• He would always tease me.
• He’s very attentive when I ask him something – he would stop what he’s doing and would even face me.
• When I would ask him to do something with me – just the two of us, he would willingly do so even though he knows that it’ll elicit a lot of teasing from our co-workers.
• He would subtly touch my hand “accidentally”.
• He remembers the little details that I said in passing (e.g. the food I crave, the movies I want to see, the songs I listen to)
• He would sing songs that may have a double meaning.
• He would say jokes that could mean something (e.g. how he’s afraid of falling in love and not having someone to catch him, etc)
• He’s very interested to the private conversation I had with our other co-workers pertaining to him.
• He became apologetic when something he and our other co-workers did kind of pissed me off.
• How he responds indirectly to the cryptic messages that I post in social media.
• He would ask favors from me and then would persistently ask me on what he can do to return the favor (I thought that he would intentionally asked favors just so he can do things for me in guise of “returning” the favor).
• He would deliberately (?) sit next to me or walk with me or stand beside me just because.
• When I give him little knick knacks (e.g. candies, cupcakes), he appreciates it.
• One time, he intentionally gave me three pieces of bread and consciously said, “That’s THREE bread…”. Three is kind of a symbol for THAT three word phrase. He knows what it means because I gave him three butterscotch before and he made a big deal about it, even teasing me that I’m trying to say something.

Contradictions:

• I asked him if he wants to see a movie with me and told me that he can’t but I found out that he did anyway.
• He’s telling everyone that he’s not seeing any one but I can sometimes sense that he’s dating someone. Intuition.
• He never “like” any of my Facebook posts but he “like” all of the other statuses our co-worker posts. Even the similar ones.
• Sometimes, I feel like he don’t care at all. There was this slapping incident (meant as a joke) but I was hurt, he just laughed like the others. He did ask me if I was okay but only after I told him that it was not funny and I got hurt.
• One time he bought donuts for the team, he never gave me one.
• Sometimes, he’s the first to make fun of me.

I know some of these are petty things but these are the little things that confused me.

CHASING PAVEMENTS

Am I just chasing pavements here? Sometimes I think that he may just be too shy about asking me out or showing his feelings for me but most of the time I feel like there’s really nothing there. I am just misinterpreting things. One of our co-workers even told me not to expect from him because he has a reputation of misleading people with his actions. He has a history.

ON THE VERGE…

I actually thought of just giving up. Again, I am building another set of bricks on my walls and no matter how hard it might be, I had to.

I need to.

But I don’t want to.